I started writing this song in December 2023. At the time, I found myself going back into memories I hadn’t really allowed myself to fully sit with before, especially growing up in the Plymouth Brethren Christian Church (PBCC), formerly known as the Exclusive Brethren. The same cult which the new Netflix series “Unchosen” is based on.
It wasn’t just about remembering what happened. It was about remembering how it felt.
The thing that stayed with me the most was that constant sense of suffocation. The control. The feeling of always being watched and judged. It creates this underlying tension in your body, like a tightness in your chest that never really goes away. You’re breathing, but it never feels like enough. You never feel fully free.
And the more I reflected on it, the more I realised that this feeling isn’t limited to one place.
You can experience that same suffocation in a toxic relationship.
In a family dynamic.
In any situation where control, fear, or manipulation take away your sense of self.
That feeling of walking on eggshells.
Of shrinking yourself to avoid conflict.
Of losing your voice without even realising it.
When I was writing, I kept coming back to that exact moment - the moment where all you want to do is take a deep breath, but you can’t. That sense of being trapped in an environment that you can’t escape from.
That’s also where the idea for the cover art came from. To me, it reflects what it felt like growing up like that, like being chained, locked in, controlled. And then, on the other side of that, the contrast of finally getting out. That moment where you realise you can breathe again, properly, for the first time.
But this song is not just about the feeling - it’s also about the reality of what caused it.
A big part of that is the leadership within the PBCC, specifically Bruce D. Hales. He presents himself as the “man of God,” but from my experience and the experiences of so many others, that position is used to control and manipulate people, including innocent children.
It’s something that has caused irreversible damage.
In my case and in most survivors' cases, it broke apart our families. It has taken away the chance for people to maintain normal relationships with family and friends, to continue to create memories with the people they love. Those are things you don’t get back, and that’s something I’ve had to come to terms with.
And while my experience comes from that specific environment, I know that the same kind of damage happens anywhere people are controlled, isolated, or made to feel powerless.
What makes it even harder is that it’s all presented as a “community.” But when you look at it critically, it aligns with most of the recognised criteria of a cult. That gap between how it looks from the outside and what it actually is on the inside is something I felt strongly about addressing in this song and speaking about publicly.
One of the most meaningful parts of this track for me is that I didn’t do it alone.
We used the sound of breathing from 12 other fellow survivors who also grew up in the PBCC cult and made the decision to leave. That was incredibly important to me, because for so long, all of our voices were suppressed.
This is a way of taking that back.
I want to say a huge thank you to Amos McEwen, Andrea MacKinnon, Anne Bennett, Ben Woodbury, Cheryl Bawtinheimer, Chester Cowley, Craig Hoyle, Heidi Allan, Jolie Cooper, Lavinia Richardson, Oliver Flintoff, and Pam Danylchuk for being part of this.
I’m genuinely so proud of every single one of you. I know how hard it is to walk away from something like that, or to stand up for yourself in any situation where you’ve been made to feel small. The fact that you chose yourselves, that you chose your freedom, is something you should never underestimate. You’ve all come so far, and you should be incredibly proud of that.
For me, this song is about turning something very painful into something very powerful, something that hopefully helps others.
Whether you’re leaving a controlling environment, questioning a relationship, or just starting to realise that something in your life doesn’t feel right.
I hope this gives you strength. I hope it gives you courage. And I hope it reminds you that you are allowed to choose yourself.
And that you deserve a life where you can breathe freely.
And for those who are still inside the PBCC, I hope this reaches you in some way. I hope it encourages you to question things and to look at the reality behind what you’re being told.
Because the truth is, Bruce D. Hales is not who he claims to be. The cult is not what it claims to be!
You deserve to make your own choices.
You deserve your own life.
And you deserve to breathe freely.
The song will finally be yours on May 22, and it’s the second single from my debut EP “Helluva Survivor,” which is coming out this summer.
This track is a very personal one for me, and putting it out feels like an important step in telling my story on my own terms. Please take great care of her!
I love you guys so much - take care.
Dawson xx